This is why they made the metro… and there are cabs… and why we can walk…

Despite being a DC/metro area native (I grew up in the MD ‘burbs), I *hate* driving in the city.

That thing about the numbered streets and the lettered streets? Total lie. And don’t get me started on the state streets. And then you bring in names like East Capitol and Mount Vernon. Those who think that D.C.’s design was brilliant have been horribly mislead, and Mr. L’Enfant was a moron. The fact that we no longer use horses and/or buggies doesn’t help either.

So I’m still recovering from Sunday’s driving experience. (And before you say anything, I have been told countless times that, despite being female, I am an excellent driver.) I can get around NW alright and wouldn’t complain if I had to drive around there, but I rarely go any further west than the Library of Congress on foot, and rarely even approach the mall in the car.

My friend moved to the Capitol Hill area, many blocks east of the Capitol Building and the LoC, and I don’t know that neighborhood at all. Not to mention that if you go over one street too far, it is not a place that you want to be at night. (Or ever.)

Driving home was a lot less stressful than it could have been — I was guessing as to where I was going, but since it was 1am, the only people on the roads were cops and cabs so I wasn’t forced to make instant decisions for fear of being run off the road and/or shot at.

Riddle me this…

I heard the following today: “[I] got ready to get on bike for the hour’s ride into work. feeling pleased, almost smug, that I was doing the Lord’s commute, zero carbon footprint and all.”

…so does that mean that those of us who drive to work (and not to freeze to death) are doing Satan’s commute?

Have I mentioned how much I love the DC judiciary system?

So… my boss got a call from an assistant to a court in DC this morning.

Now, to back up a little bit, this is a case in which they have lost the exhibits in this case before. I remember this particular “lost exhibits” situation specifically because the original papers are pretty old and our copier needs an exorcist, so I had to drop these exhibits off at Kinkos to get copied.

So the call comes from DC this morning that they have lost exhibit 9. After inquiring if we could fax this exhibit, we were promptly told that, (in the same astonished voice as if we would have asked her to commit hari kari)  “we do NOT accept faxes!”  Never mind the fact that it’s not like we’re sending them something new… we’d be sending them something that we have sent TWICE now that THEY have lost. But that sort of logic is completely beyond their comprehension.

So this immediately raised a mental flag, but I pushed it aside because we have a lot of cases and I get confused easily, and went to go and get the missing exhibit. I promptly discovered that my mental flag was entirely correct – they were missing Exhibit 9, but we had tabbed the exhibits in letters, not numbers, And even if they had changed the letters into numbers, (which they would not have done. They would have just sent the exhibits back, because to re-number the exhibits would constitute expending effort.) this was exhibit A, so it would have been exhibit 1 – not exhibit 9.

The recording said that this person would return my phone call in 24 hours. Knowing this particular group as I do, I’ll be lucky to get a return phone call in the next month – when I will promptly be informed that the exhibit must be re-written in Sanskrit and can only be delivered by carrier pigeon.

Blah.

I work really hard during the day and most people know that I am not the office slacker by any means. I mean, who else uses their free time to 1. Actually sit down and READ the laws we’re supposedly using in our daily job or 2. Have an OCD breakdown and completely reorganize the supply closet AND the workroom for better efficiency? I have also cleaned out drawers and filing cabinets (I found the original box for Windows version 1.2 in one of said drawers. That should tell you something.) and reorganized offices, among other things.

Well, now that the supply closet has labels and more stationery has been ordered and the filing is done and I’ve done the Staples order, I don’t have a damn thing to do. I mean, I have a pending playdate with a Bates stamper and a small pile of paper, but that might take me 2 minutes to do, and I have NO idea how to get the Bates stamper back to zero, so I have to have someone show me how to do it, and they’re never, ever going to get off the phone at this rate.

I have also been sick recently. So although my next project has been slated to re-organize the kitchen/breakroom, I’m not really up to the task today.

Unfortunately, I don’t have an office, or even a cubicle. Anyone coming from the hallway can see my monitor. So I feel horribly guilty when someone rounds the corner and finds me reading blogs or shopping for xmas presents. I know that some other people have piles and piles of work to do and I should not be slacking. But unless someone can get me admitted to the bar to practice law, I think I’m SOL.
Please, entertain me.

By the time you’re 65, you should be able to count to 20.

I went to the grocery store yesterday to get stuff to make dinner for Jon and I. I only needed about 6 things, so when I went to check out, I headed for the Express Lines. The lines have big neon green signs above them that say “15 items or less.”  One line was ridiculously long, so I got in the other one. Turns out that the lady in front of me (who happened to be about 70something)  had apparently missed the big neon green sign, because she had gotten one of everything in the store, and had coupons for about 3/4 of them.

After what felt like 20 years later, she was finally done. The guy had actually *finished* ringing up my groceries by the time she got her purse out, put her credit card out of the way, and moved out of the lane.  I said to the cashier. “You know, I’m a nice person and everything, but you guys should implement a $5 penalty for people that have more than 20 items. ” (Because you can sneak by with 17 or 18 if the other lines are really long. Everyone knows this.)

He tried to argue that the woman was old. I argued that it was all the more reason — by the time she’s that old,  she should learn the difference between 15 or less, and more than 15. Not to mention that “Express” implies that you want to get out of there — she, clearly, was taking her sweet damned time. And I know she’s old and probably can’t move very fast, but it’s like being on the highway — if your car is broken and can’t do more than 30mph, you don’t get into the left-hand lane and make everyone wait behind you. It’s a matter of respect.

The lady behind me was on my side. She argued that you should be taken to another lane by the grocery police. Or have sirens go off, and flashing lights, and some sort of annoying recorded message played over the loudspeaker, when you violate the rules of the Express Lane.  I liked her idea of compliance through shame, but I made the point that while I would hate to have that happen to me, others might not care. I suggested a simple taser, which would shock you into compliance. The lady behind me liked that idea.

It’s nice to know that others are almost as bitter as I am.

Apparently my sick and twisted mind is genetic…

My dad and I were sitting around watching TV. The Restasis commercial comes on.

Commercial: “…something, something, something, This product has not been studied in patients with herpes of the eye… something something something…”

Me: “Herpes of the eye? Eeeewwww! What the hell?”

My dad: “Well, I guess someone poked her in the eye.”

And then he laughed until he couldn’t breathe.

Not-so-much-higher eductation

Today was my first day at community college. I am now a student at MC… aka MK… aka Harvard on the Pike.

I can say a lot of things right now, but the first thing that comes to mind is… there is something to be said for colleges with admissions criteria.

I actually wrote down some of my thoughts/observations, along with some things I heard in the halls. I think i’m going to have to keep this up for the semester. They’re too entertaining not to share.

My thoughts:

Why is carrying a backpack/bag for your books such a bad thing? If you claim to not be able to afford one… use a grocery bag. Don’t you lose things? How can you take class seriously? I mean, I knew a lot of people that don’t do much during class, but they at least had the decency to LOOK studious.

Along those same lines… since when is it ok to come into class an hour after it has started?

Things I heard/things that happened:

In the hallway-

“Man, that guy (meaning, the professor) is a TRIP. I’m gonna get baked every day and come to class so I can laugh at him!”

…my thoughts? As long as you’re not receiving financial aid that my tax dollars are paying for, go for it. Although couldn’t you sit at home and watch Sponge Bob or something, instead?

My econ class -

The Prof: ” Are you happier now than your parents were?”

Obnoxious guy: “My parents were hippie parents — they were all tripped out and shit. They were so fucking happy…”

…wow. If your parents were heavy drug users, then that explains a lot about you…

My Poli Sci class — (We were doing an activity… the prof was trying to make a point. I think that she made it.)

Prof: “What is the name of Tom and Katie’s baby?”

Two people simultaneously: “Suri”

Prof: “How many justices are there on the Supreme Court?”

Same two people, “Eleven!” “…eight?”

Prof: “What are the names of your senators?”

…blank looks.

And finally, a letter to the guy sitting next to me today. (I didn’t give it to him, but damn did I want to.)

Dear Guy Sitting Next to Me in the Coat and Backpack,

We are in class for 1 hour and 45 minutes. I can’t contain my curiosity anymore… is there a reason why you kept your coat AND your backpack on for the ENTIRE class?

First, at the very least, I would like to commend you on at least BRINGING your backpack to class. This makes you ahead of a fair number of your classmates. Congratulations.

Now, I could totally understand that you would want to keep your jacket on if it were cold in the classroom. I am a bad judge of temperature, so I cannot use my personal assessment of temperature to decide if this is the case. However, I *can* say that there are a fair number of other people in here with body fat percentages that would be equal or less than yours — and *they* are sitting here without jackets. To my knowledge, they are not being treated for hypothermia, nor have they lost any fingers or toes from frostbite. I suppose that you could have temperature issues, so I can cut you a break on that one.

But I cannot fathom why your backpack is still on. First, it has to be uncomfortable. Second, what if you need to get something out of your backpack? I mean, that *is* why you brought your backpack — to carry supplies, right? It doesn’t seem to be a popular fashion accessory in these parts, so I don’t think that your backpack is just for show. It’s the first day of class — you have to know that we are at least going to get a syllabus. That should go into your backpack, right? Even if you don’t plan on taking notes or even staying awake, most people keep the syllabus. Which would mean putting it in your backpack. Which is still on your back. And third… it’s just downright rude. Way to make a terrific first impression with your professor.

The only thing that I can think of is that maybe you have an overpowering phobia of disasters requiring immediate evacuation. Fires, earthquakes, nuclear explosions… if we had to leave the classroom at a moment’s notice, you wouldn’t have to worry about leaving your belongings behind. They would already be strapped securely to your back. This is the only thing that makes sense.  That, or you know something that we don’t. Would you mind sharing with the rest of the class?

So, what’s your deal? Inquiring minds want to know.

Sincerely,

The incredibly intrigued girl sitting to your right.